I hate my voice. I know it’s a common complaint with a lot of people, most people don’t like the way they sound when they’re recorded. But I think I’m genuinely turning this into a complex. I hate hearing myself speak, I hate recording myself in any way, or hearing myself over a phone (perhaps that’s partly where my fear of answering the phone comes from) or over a radio.
I think I have a really masculine voice. It’s deep, it’s a lot deeper than I’d like, and in my mind I think people wouldn’t know if they were talking to a girl or guy when they hear me. I also think it’s kind of crackly, like it’s constantly breaking or I have no even tone or definition.
This is a really strange thing to write about. It’s a deep part of my psyche that I’ve not opened up about before, and I know none of my friends are going to say they hate my voice or agree with any of the things I find wrong with it, but it is genuinely giving me a lot of anxiety.
I don’t know if it’s because I have some wonky hormones from my PCOS that, along with all of the other symptoms, has given me a deeper voice. Maybe. But either way, I feel as though I lack control over it.
This leads onto another thing, another thing buried in my psyche, that I have issues with. Now, I don’t want to speak about this in a way that sounds derogatory, because that is certainly not how I mean it. So, for lack of better wording, I feel I have some gender identity issues. Not in myself, like I know I’m a girl and I’m confident in my gender, and I embrace being a woman. But, as I said above, I don’t know if other people can tell what gender I am. Irregardless of the fact that I have boobs, not even subtle boobs, and my make up and long hair, I don’t know if people know I’m a girl. I don’t know what people see when they look at me, and I don’t know what to call this. Is it a kind of body dysmorphia? Or is it just paranoia? Does it all stem from the fact that I really don’t like myself? My body image issues?
For a great many years in my youth I was a tomboy, I had short hair and refused to wear skirts except to school. But these days I only wear skirts and dresses (see other body image issues), yet the concern is stronger now than it was before. It’s actually increased the girlier I’ve become.
Here’s a story: I was nineteen when I got my first tattoo. I have some lyrics on my arm (so cool!) and my tattooist said to me ‘well, you’ll want a nice script font because you’re a girl’. My first reaction was ‘Oh My God, he can tell I’m a girl!’ I even said this to my friends to be greeted with very confused expressions. To me, though, it was amazing that my gender was obvious.
I get over excited when I get called ‘ma’am’ or ‘miss’ or when parents would call me ‘that lady’ when directing their children’s interactions with me. The very few times that I’ve been called ‘sir’ I know is because of a language barrier, but it shook me and upset me for a long time.
Maybe it’s just all in my subconscious. Maybe because of my hormones I’m just overly worried I seem masculine to everyone. Laura Prepon, actress and sex symbol, has a deep voice and it’s gorgeous. But she also has control over it, which is really something I feel I lack. I feel like I’m crackly and raspy and wavering and like a deeper version of Lina Lamont. I hate it.
Now we’re full circle.