As a girl, I’m pretty familiar with the female orgasm. As a lesbian for most of my sex life, I’d like to think I’m, y’know, quite knowledgable on the ins and outs, so to speak, of the female orgasm. I know that years ago it was thought to be a myth, or that it wasn’t important for the female to orgasm, because it made no difference to procreation. Men’s orgasms are the super important ones, right? Because of babies and stuff? And girls talking about masturbating and their last awesome orgasm and the great porn they watched the other night is crass, right?
Let’s just get this clear to start off with. There’s no problem if you don’t masturbate, or if you don’t like sex. That’s just as fine as anything else, I promise. There’s nothing wrong or abnormal with not wanting or not liking sex, either solo or as a group project. But I want to write about orgasms. It’s 2016, there’s no shame in it, you have every right to get yourself off whenever and however you want, and as many times as you want. Never feel ashamed.
My First Orgasm
I asked around my crew to see what they remembered of their first orgasms. A majority of them remembered the first time, but there was also a wide gap in the ages they experienced them. As a teenager I had friends who would masturbate every night and others who just weren’t interested at all. One started at twelve, one didn’t have an orgasm until she was nineteen. So you know, it’s varied, it’s always varied. Even methods were crazy varied. In every conversation I’ve had along these lines, there’s never really been a completely standard way of having or experiencing orgasm.
Mine is a pretty vivid memory, both the first time and the first time I masturbated, which were two separate occasions. I think I’m probably in a minority in that I hadn’t masturbated ever before I had sex for the first time, so my first orgasm was actually with my first girlfriend. And I was taken by surprise, believe me. I think I laughed. And when I worked out how to do it myself I was again surprised. Actually, it was a significant amount of time after I’d had my first orgasm that I started masturbating. By ‘a significant amount of time’ I mean months. I don’t know why it took me so long, but there you go.
And if you don’t remember? No problem. Wherever, whenever, however you had your first orgasm, it’s normal. Even if you haven’t yet it doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t. I’ll cover more about that later, though. The real point of this is you know that your body is your own beautiful individual hub of awesome, and so results may vary in every aspect of your life.
Now, How Often Is Too Often?
Do you remember hearing all of those rumours that people used to tell boys about masturbating? About them going blind and getting hairy palms? But it was always aimed at boys, as though girls didn’t masturbate.
Well, girls do. A lot. And that’s cool. Some don’t, ever. Some are fine with just their partners, and some have partners and still masturbate, because it’s their personal time. None of this is weird. Sometimes you have a higher sex drive than your partner, sometimes the mood will just strike when you’re alone. Some people use it for stress relief. Some go for it a few times a day, or go for hours at a time. No matter how often you indulge yourself, it’s fine. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re wrong for making yourself feel good.
Obviously if it’s beginning to be a problem, if it’s getting in the way of your every day life (and there are some conditions where this is an actual thing) then you can get some medical help. There are some links below. If it’s all on your own time, though, and no one is getting upset, then go for it!
It really isn’t unusual to give yourself orgasms even if you have a partner. Your orgasms and your pleasure don’t belong to anyone else. Your body and your happiness are yours. If you’re not getting what you want with someone else, it’s probably better to relieve your tensions on your own than seeking a bit on the side to help, isn’t it? And even if you are having a good time with your partner and you still want more, it’s better to masturbate than to put pressure on them or yourself, right? (The answer to both of those points is yes, by the way). But you don’t owe anyone anything, and you shouldn’t feel any shame. It’s not betrayal, it’s not abnormal. Ignore anyone who says it is. They’re wrong.
Fake It Til You Make It
Girls are blessed with the ability to fake orgasms. I’ve faked orgasms with every partner I’ve had, both male and female. Nearly everyone I know has faked an orgasm, and there are literally a million reasons why you might do it. You’re not an awful person, it isn’t a slight on your partner (sometimes quite the opposite) and you don’t always have to have an orgasm to enjoy sex.
Two of the most common reasons are actually because you like the person you’re with. For one, you sometimes know it’s not going to happen. Sometimes there is going to be no orgasm, for whatever reason, and though you could of course just say ‘honey, it’s not going to happen’, you can fake it. Because hearing your partner orgasm is really hot, and it’ll make them feel good, and maybe help them along. Or, even if it is going to happen, you can always fake one to help them along and then continue with more enthusiasm! In no way are either of these an awful thing. You want your partner to enjoy sex, you aren’t being malicious about it, you’re making them happy. As long as it’s not necessary all the time, there’s no harm in it.
On a personal note, I can’t have multiple orgasms. I just can’t. I can have one orgasm per session and then I need a lengthy break. I don’t know why, I think it’s psychological, but it does mean that sometimes I’ve had to fake it, either because I’ve already come, or because I’m waiting. I like having my partner come first.
Less politely you could fake it to get it over with. Maybe you’re tired, maybe you’re bored, maybe you don’t particularly like the person you’re having sex with (no judgement). You know in yourself what makes you want to fake an orgasm, just know that everyone does it. I’ve faked it for all of the above reasons, and I didn’t feel bad, I have no regrets. If I was in a relationship with those people, then we had good sex at other points. If it wasn’t relationshippy then there’s no problem, they’re not going to know or care. All women do it when they need to and it’s fine. If you have to all the time with your partner, though, but you’re good when you’re on your own, you should reconsider your methods, find out why your sex life isn’t working, try some new things. Which brings us on to-
An Orgasm Shared
As discussed above, orgasms with partners are great. Sexual intimacy is a big part of a relationship, and you want to make your partner feel awesome. It doesn’t mean that orgasms have to happen, though. Not every time, at least. Sex can be satisfying without both of you climaxing. Though you can’t let this get one sided.
Firstly, let’s just say, making someone else orgasm is awesome. Your partner should want you to orgasm. If they don’t, if they’re selfish in bed, ditch them. It’s going to fuck up your relationship if they don’t care about getting you off. If your partner is a guy, you should both be aware that you might not always come from penetration, even if that’s all he needs. You might need an extra hand. You shouldn’t be begrudged that, even if he’s finished. The same goes for a lady partner. Though the sex is kind of different in the methodology, it’s still about mutual pleasure. Also, don’t be selfish. Make sure you know what gets your partner off, because that’s going to be just as good for you in the long run.
If you’ve never reached orgasm with your partner there’s a lot of things you can do to help this along, as long as they’re willing. And they should be. Aside from asking your partner to finish you off, there’s always a change in position or pace, or, if you know your body well enough, you can always tell them exactly how you like it. That’s hot. It’s hot to be told what someone likes, and it’s really good to have your instructions obeyed.
Don’t go into sex expecting that you’re going to orgasm. The female orgasm is a bit of a mysterious beast, it’ll happen when it wants to happen after the right coaxing and secret handshakes and whatnot. As awesome as it would be to orgasm with your partner every time, it isn’t going to happen. This is nothing on you. It’s normal, it happens. A lot. To everyone. It’s great when it happens, but it isn’t like the films or the books. It’s not that ideal. But there’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t reach orgasm just from penetration or even at all with a partner. Sometimes, in a new relationship, it takes a while for you to feel comfortable with a person, to be relaxed enough to come with them. I’ve been in relationships where it’s taken weeks for me to reach orgasm, but you’re getting used to a new person. If the number of orgasms you have with your partner has petered off over time, try new things! You get desensitised when you do the same thing over and again. Even if you just extend the foreplay, or have sex in a different place, it might make all the difference.
Irregardless, you need to remember that nothing is perfect constantly. Orgasms are varied and weird and awesome and sometimes evasive. I’ve had a lot of different orgasms in a lot of different ways. Nothing is set in stone, and there’s absolutely no harm in experimenting with yourself to find out what you like.
There’s no normal when it comes to you and your orgasms. Even from just my own experience I can say sometimes they’re easy, sometimes they just don’t happen, sometimes you just have to do your own thing, or take a break, or change tact. Whatever you need to do or want to do it’s fine. It’s you time. Love yourself.
If you haven’t had an orgasm yet or you think there’s something not quite right with you then don’t worry! If you’ve gotten yourself stressed out over your inability to orgasm then they aren’t going to happen. That starts off a vicious circle that you need to break. The more you think about it the more you’re going to worry as the time approaches, and it’s a lot less likely to happen if you’re stressed out or thinking too much. You aren’t broken. I promise.
I’ve found some websites you can go to for more advice, if you need to. Don’t worry.
thank you to everyone who contributed their opinions. sorry for my weird questions x